fuck you, I'm a bus! (sevenfists) wrote in dear_dean,
fuck you, I'm a bus!

Dear Dean,

I'm having trouble getting my daughter to sleep at night. She's afraid that there are monsters under her bed! What should I say to her to get her to go to bed? Is there anything I can do?

Thanks Dean!

Dear Worried Mom,

Not to alarm you, but there could be monsters under her bed. Have you checked? If there's anything fishy, call me, I'll try to swing by. Things hiding under kids' beds go right to the top of the Critters To Kill list.

There probably isn't anything under there, though. Aren't many things that like hiding under beds - too cramped and dusty, and plus it's hard to manuever. I'd say the closet's more likely, but if she isn't worried about that, it's time for a little harmless deception. Take Sammy - he was terrified of the dark when he was a kid. Our dad, of course, gave him a gun, but I wouldn't recommend that for your average suburban household. I told Sammy that if he brushed his teeth two times before he went to bed, his breath would smell too nice and all the monsters would be scared away.

If that's no good, you could always put a pair of your shoes on the floor at the foot of her bed and tell her it's a special monster-deterring technique. Or give her a flashlight to keep under her pillow - monsters are all terrified of light. She'll probably grow out of it pretty soon. Hell, even Sammy got over it by the time he was fourteen.

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