Where's my car?
Baffled in Oregon
Seeing as how you're in Oregon, it's probably that large, mossy lump in your driveway -- you know, that thing with a tree growing out of it. Chisel away a few layers of lichen and you'll probably see some solid Detroit steel under there. If you're lucky, it won't be totally rusted through.
If that's not the case, it could be that some dude got a little confused after a few beers and some Mary J, and went home in the wrong car. Uh, not that that's ever happened to me or anything. But I know a guy who did that. He ended up taking a Ford. That's the sort of thing that'll scar a dude for life.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Close to you
It's 'cause birds are attracted to Sam's hair. They see it and think that Jesus himself has returned from the afterlife and created an amazing, heavenly nest for them. There was this one time in El Paso -- well, I won't go into details, but we ended up cutting three inches out of Sam's hair cause the bird shit had congealed and it wouldn't wash out.
Sam would like to add that I'm a big fucking liar and his hair is neatly trimmed and very clean, thank you very much. Unfortunately for Sammy, I know for a fact that it's been five days since he last showered, and there's been a metric ton of poltergeist goo since then. Dude fuckin' reeks. I'm afraid to let him out into nature because it'll be like The Birds except in real life.