panic! at the basquiat (ladyjaida) wrote in dear_dean,
panic! at the basquiat
ladyjaida
dear_dean

This is for those of you who were (and weren't!) at WinCon!

So, as you may or may not know, Dean answered some questions this past weekend at the Dear Dean panel at winchestercon. Here are those questions (and their answers), and a huge thanks to those of you who came to the panel, participated, and did not throw things at sevenfists' head when she started talking about ass-babies and excrement. :D If you sent these questions in, own up! They were awesome, and provided many wacky hijinks.



Dear Dean,
My roommate keeps sexiling me, and I hate it! What should I do?

Yours desperately,

Lonely in the Hallway


Dear Lonely,

After busting an ass laughing for a while over the word “sexile,” Sam informed me that the word “sexile” is, in fact, a word used among college students everywhere. If I’d’a known that, I might actually have gone to college, though I have to say that in my experience, if there’s someone else in the room when the action’s happening, they don’t want me to leave.
But not everyone can have my awesome sexual mojo, so I suggest you can try talking to your roommate in a mature and rational fashion…while cleaning your handgun. If that doesn’t work, you can always try sexiling her. The trick is to bring somebody home before she does, so that way the room’s already been taken. A few nights sleeping on the floor should fix her wagon.
Sam says that he used to play dumb when his roommate tried to “sexile” him and acted like he didn’t know what was going on. The girls would get all huffy and storm off, and Sam got to sleep in his own bed. As you can see, Sam did the wrong thing in this situation, and didn’t take advantage of the opportunity. This is because Sam is not as smart as me.
Also, my penis is bigger.

LOVE

Dean


















Dear Dean,

Do blondes really have more fun? How about brunettes? And redheads?

Sincerely,

Doreen



Dear Doreen,

Having sampled all three, I can tell you that every woman is unique and sexy in her own way.
That’s a great line, isn’t it? Gotten me laid more times than I can count. But let’s not forget the black-haired chicks. And chicks who give mother nature a helping hand. Pink hair, blue hair, green hair—it doesn’t really matter. Why discriminate? You only hurt yourself.
Wildest chick I’ve ever been with was a redhead, but that doesn’t really count because the carpet didn’t match the drapes, you know? I guess I need a larger sample size before I can say for sure.


LOVE

Dean






















Dear Dean,

The other day I was walking through the mall, minding my own business, when some random salesman grabbed my hand and started to give ONE finger a manicure and sell me some sort of “magical” nail-care kit. I was probably there for five minutes total. How do you avoid being accosted by these types? Answers that would not involve giving me a criminal record would be much preferred.

Sincerely,

One-Pretty-Nailed PG





Dear PG,

Hey, wait, why are you upset about this? How else do you think I keep my nails looking so good and my cuticles so well-trimmed?


LOVE

Dean






















Dear Dean,

I think my hypothetical brother might be a demon changeling with psychic powers—what should I do?

Sincerely,

A Construct






Dear Construct,

Do you love your brother or not? If you love him, stand by your man.


LOVE

Dean















Dear Dean,

Do you do love advice? My man and I are going to be apart for a while, but a girl’s got needs, you know? So should I make like Journey, “faithfully”? Or would you suggest in the immortal words of Stephen Stills, “love the one you’re with”?





Dear Journey-Fan,

That’s a tough one. We’ve got a bunch of factors to take into consideration: say, how much you love the guy, how long he’s going to be gone, and exactly how horny you are on a Saturday night. I mean, if it’s true love, you don’t want to fuck around with that. Doesn’t come along that often, and it’s worth holding on to when it does.
I recommend a trip to your local sex shop. Vibrators are one of the great inventions of the modern era, and you can quote me on that shit. I really like those ones with the rabbit ears—there was this one girl I knew, she—well, that’s not important.
A vibrator should take care of you until your man gets back; and if it’s snuggling you want, well, you can always go see a masseuse.
If you really want to test your devotion to each other, why don’t you try going on a road trip together? If you survive crappy diners and shitty no-name motels without wanting to kill each other by day two, then you know it’s true love and it’s probably time to get married.


LOVE

Dean

















Dear Dean,

Who would win: Batman or Superman?

Love,

Gweneiriol






Dear Gweneiriol,

Did I get that right? Gweneiriol? Canary-ole? How bout I call you Gwen.
This is a no-brainer. Superman. Brawn over brains, you know? Batman’s crafty, but he can’t slice anybody in two with lasers he shoots from his eyeballs. Supes would wrap him around a telephone pole and leave him there. Maybe Batgirl could come and rescue him: I’ve always been fond of that little outfit she wears. Also, Superman is not a pedophile who likes to dress young boys up in daisy-dukes.
Sam, on the other hand, thinks that Batman would win in any fight. I’m a little skeptical about this theory, but Sam seems to think that Batman has the “amoral edge” that would grant him “definitive victory.”
I think Sam’s a big fucking nerd. Who actually believes in “sonar” anyway. And seriously: how many issues does this guy have? He’s a freaking bat.


LOVE

Dean
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